21 years ago

My grief is less raw but no less real, 21 years on from the moment you left. I have since learned that grief and love are two sides of the same coin. I see your face in my mind's eye as strongly as I ever did. Your loss shaped the lives of those around you. And we still miss you.

8 years. How we miss you.

1998

https://youtu.be/hJTzcBPs3gw

Baked bean tin clock

being boring

Butterfly

I

he lifted his face to the sky

and flew out of the empty building

his face golden with moon reflections

at that moment his soul sprouted wings

as he floated higher and higher

the wings lifting him like a bird

he saw his body dropping

he saw it hit the floor

all was stillness

he felt his heart and soul grow lighter still

the music continued to play to the body below

the body smiled into the calmness

there was nothing but the breeze

and the whirr of the walkman

II

I saw you later standing outside of Cadbury's

at first I heard the parrot

"Aach its Mr Cadbury's parrot"

as you had squawked all those years ago

Pete bought Wispas for youth club cheap

Mr A sold them in his living room.

Mr A thought you were Pete, dear Miles

You weren't happy working at Cadbury's

We wanted Old Deal not fucking New Deal

For 38 hours a week you took home a mere one hundred pounds

As the car I was in sped past Cadbury's

I saw you turn and kick the bin

You kicked it in.

III

I always thought you were like me.

I still think that you are.

How could you leave us like this?

We never said goodbye.

All you have left me with is a myriad of metaphors.

You nearly talked to me

before

you died

I wish you had.

you left with consequence.

IV

I heard you painted tower block canvases

Modern art - we talked about it

The revolution was coming, man

you said the sunshine had faded

to a glare

you've faded our sunshine now

my youth jumped off that block

with you...

V

Butterfly

you soar

we miss you more

than you could comprehend

I never dreamt

that the dream of you

at fifteen

could come true

I dreamed you were

successful in your suit at 25

not laid out in an oak coffin

in your brand new suit

Butterfly

take pollen from your sunflowers

soar the skies

you were always successful to me